There are some topics that are usually left out of civilized conversation because they are of an unpleasant nature. We’re throwing all those rules out the window today. So with wild abandon, let’s discuss the following:

1: Horse crap is lighter than cow crap.

This, my friends, is true. I’ve been around the manure bend this week, literally and figuratively, and I feel like I can say with the unfounded confidence of a novice that I’d rather shovel out a horse’s stall than load a cow’s load into the back of a pick-up. These are the kinds of questions that never get asked over dinner, in those would you rather conversation games. It’s always, “Would you rather be a doctor or a lawyer?” “Would you rather live in Nepal or Belize?” “Would you rather eat spaghetti for the rest of your life or be a foot shorter and change your name to Ned?” There’s none of that on the farm, I’ve learned. It’s “Would you rather muck a stall or load a pick up?” If this situation ever presents itself to you, the answer is always, always to head in the direction of Mr. Ed and start shoveling.

2. Alba deodorant does not work.

I’m learning this the hard way. It’s what I get for buying a bogus all-natural deodorant. But I was already at Whole Foods and didn’t want to have to go to another store just to buy deodorant and thought that it would probably be better for me in the long run to go with the all-natural kind anyways, so I added deodorant to my cart full of produce. This did not benefit me or anyone standing near me, because as it turns out there’s nothing like a hearty combination of chemicals and synthetic materials to keep you dry and fresh as a daisy.

3. Pig Pen is only endearing in Peanuts cartoons.

You can imagine what a sight smell I was to behold at the end of a day with positive amounts of manure and negative amounts of deodorant. That equation did not equal an amount that was in my favor.

4. Bug guts are usually yellow.

I’ve learned this two ways: one, by smashing water bugs underfoot with as much gusto as my size 5 foot can muster. And also by implementing organic methods of insect removal in the fields, which involve picking the caterpillars and grasshoppers from the plants and squishing them by hand or foot. Whichever you prefer.

I could continue, but out of respect for my gentler readers I’ll stop here. Moral of the story: farm life is gross. Especially without the aid of a satisfactory antiperspirant.