For some, Christmas can be a stressful time. And in stressful times there’s no greater reliever than laughter. Which is why I feel compelled to share with you the following confessions:

1. Last week I was eating an apple while driving. When I was done I decided to throw the core out the window so my woodland friends would have something to snack on and so I wouldn’t have an apple core in my car because that’s gross. So I rolled down the passenger side window half-way (since that was the side the woods were on) and chucked it towards the window…only to have it propelled back into my face since I aimed too low and threw too hard. Please take a moment to visualize this…and the resulting stripe of apple that is now smeared down my window.

2. I wasn’t intending for this to become a culinary outtakes session but apparently I’m not great with food lately so that’s the theme of the day. A few nights ago I was making mashed potatoes from a new recipe. This recipe told me to quarter the potatoes, steam them for 10 minutes, and mash them in a mixer. After considering this method momentarily I thought that it was whack but decided to give it a shot and followed the directions obediently. As anyone who has ever made mashed potatoes has probably surmised: this did not go well. I knew the potatoes were too hard after only 10 minutes of steam but put them in the mixer anyway and hoped for a Christmas miracle. What resulted was a scene out of a bad comedy: potatoes flying everywhere, a problem that was only exacerbated by my forgetting which level turned the mixer off and which turned it into high speed…which further propelled chunks of potatoes around the kitchen and onto my attire. Despite a thorough cleaning we were still finding potatoes scattered throughout the house the next day.

3. Right now my dad and a friend are installing a door in our living room that leads to the garage. Our carbon monoxide detector is going off. No one seems to think this is a problem. I, however, think that the carbon monoxide detector has a point. Perhaps we should take it’s advice and flee? No, no: it’s fine. I’m not sure in exactly what light one can paint lethal gas so that it comes out as “fine,” so this one isn’t so much funny “haha” as it is funny “oh dear.” Which is why as soon as I’m done writing this post I’m going to Panera to remember what oxygen smells like.

That’s all I’ve got for today, kids. Clean air, here I come!

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